


Saying Her Name

by bouncingclowns



Series: Nat’s Ratched One Shots [4]
Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, NSFW Art, Nightmares, Period-Typical Homophobia, Tumblr Prompt, but I pulled out the big guns here, i mean most of my work is, this one is heavy yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27015094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bouncingclowns/pseuds/bouncingclowns
Summary: Based on a Tumblr prompt from pearplate: “‘I heard you crying’ ‘I didn’t mean the things I said’ and ‘don’t leave me’ from the angst list”Mildred grapples with her own identity
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Series: Nat’s Ratched One Shots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965112
Comments: 11
Kudos: 118





	Saying Her Name

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE TAGS! This is not for the faint of heart - heavy on the angst and anxiety here, folks!

_“Huck, wait. Please -!”_

_“It was a mistake.” Huck’s voice seems to engulf her, suffocating her as it freezes her insides with its malice. “You were a mistake. I should have known, I should have seen you for what you are. Dyke.”_

_The last word hits her square in the chest, and it burns. Mildred reaches for his shoulder, but her fingers pass through him, and his body morphs before her eyes. She blinks hard, and recoils. “N-no. No, Huck, I’m not, I swear! I’m not gay, I’m not gay! I’m not-”_

_“You’re nothing!” Charlotte Wells - no, not Charlotte, Ondine - booms, looming over Mildred like every foster mother she’d ever known. The nurse shrinks, chin tucking against her chest as she sinks to her knees. “You’re no one!” Ondine puts her hands on her shoulders, pressing down like she’s trying to flatten her. “You’re a fraud, a goddamn fool!”  
_

_“Puh-please.” Mildred’s voice is barely a whisper, and she pulls her trembling palms over her ears. “Please, why are you doing this? Why are you -”  
_

_Light seems to build behind her irises like she’s pointing a flashlight directly at her. Mildred’s ears ring, electricity buzzing, and mounting pressure on her cranium; and suddenly she’s submerged in water._

_“This is the treatment!” Betsy’s voice echoes against the tile chamber. Mildred’s eyes flutter opened. “This is what happens to queers, Nurse Ratched. You should know better than anyone.” Pleasure gleams behind her black eyes.  
_

_She doesn’t understand at first, not until she tries to stand up and feels the metal planks in opposition. “No. No! I didn’t do anything wrong.” Mildred’s rasps, her resolve fading with each new scene. Betsy simply snorts, rolling her eyes, as she swaggers towards the thermostat. Mildred feels the water begin to bubble around her. Heat rises through her skin, and then she’s boiling._

_“It burns!” Mildred’s voice rips from her throat, but its overpowered by the whistle of the thermostat. She feels her skin blistering, feels water’s energy bouncing off the metal prison. Mildred’s tears burn as her internal temperature rises, and another scream tears through her.  
_

_“I heard you crying.” Someone’s voice drills into her skull - a voice she knows, but can’t place; that she sends warmth and ice trickling through her at the same time.  
_

_She collapses on the ground with a slap, fingers raking against planked wood. Mildred scurries to pull up the hem of her skirt, examine herself for any burns, but they’ve disappeared; melted away with the last of the hydrotherapy chamber. “Where am I?”_

_“Oh come on, sis.” The coo lifts Mildred’s watery gaze. Edmund looks down at her, lips pulled into a snarl. “You mean you don’t recognize it?”_

_Mildred’s breath quickens, chest tightening like rubber bands. She tries to push herself up, eyes wide and fixated on her brother as he morphs between his adult and childhood self, but her knees buckle against the wait of her panic, and she’s left to crawl._

_Edmund tsk’s like he’s disciplining a child. “Alright, I suppose I’ll give you a hint.” He lunges for her, landing squarely on top of her with his full weight. Mildred wriggles beneath him, jerking away when his calloused fingers push her chin towards an uproarious audience._

_“Edmund, please.” She shocks herself with the level of her voice. “Please, we don’t have to do this. Please!”_

_Edmund smiles again, wide and earnest. “We never had a choice, Mildred. Never.” Mildred thinks she should push him off, that she should start running and never stop, but her feet stay planted firmly on the ground. She screams instead, and her voice curdles in her throat, leaving her with the stale aftertaste of blood and tobacco._

“You’re safe, Mildred.” A voice cuts through the nightmare like a hot knife through a block of ice. Mildred jerks away from a hand, eyes still squeezed shut, as another scream falls from her lips. “C’mon, darling. You’re alright.”

A pair of arms wrap around her shoulders, and she’s being pulled into an embrace, against soft skin that smells of menthol and cinnamon. Mildred’s eyes flutter. She mewls softly as her lower lip traps between her teeth. “Edmund, no.” She slurs, and Gwendolyn’s heart plummets.

“He’s not here, my love.” She kisses Mildred’s temple, lips lingering there. “It’s just me. You’re safe.”

“I’m not gay, I’m not -” Mildred’s eye’s flutter, vision blurred with an amalgam of tears and nightfall. She stills in Gwendolyn’s grasp, trembling fingers finding the redhead’s cheek tracing it like brail. “Guh-Gwen.”

 _Not gay_. It feels like going through chemotherapy again for the first time; that’s the only way she can explain the chasm her words create in her chest. Gwendolyn’s nostrils flare. She inhales without fully exhaling, breath getting stuck between her tongue and her soft pallet. Her stomach churns, and she thinks she might vomit. _Not gay. Don’t hold it against her_. “It’s me.” Gwendolyn deadpans, jaw set unevenly. She swallows the lump in her throat. “It’s only me.”

 _What happened?_ Mildred’s brain whirls fast enough to make her motion sick. She buckles forward, shaking hands slicking back her sweat-soaked curls. She can’t recall everything, just that it had been bad. _Very_ bad. The worst night since being in Mexico. Dare she say, the worst since being with Gwendolyn. “I ... I don’t understand.”

“You had a nightmare, that’s all.” Mildred’s eyes flick to meet Gwen’s loving gaze.

“No, I ...” Mildred shakes her head. She hadn’t realized that she’d said it out loud. “Yes. You’re right. Thank you.”

“Are you alright?” Gwendolyn wipes away the fresh tears budding when she sees them glinting in the moonlight. “You were screaming.” _You scared me half to death, and I’m already dying_. Mildred nods before she can finish the query, and it’s all too fast for Gwendolyn.

“Yes.” _She’s lying to me_. “I will be. I promise.”

She choses not to push, pulling back the covers and padding towards the sliding doors that lead out to the balcony. Lightning crackles outside, and Gwendolyn hesitates before flinging the door open. Ocean breeze hits her face, and Gwendolyn sighs, taking in the scent of brine and palm trees; ignoring as rain splatters against her feet. She turns back to Mildred, who has barely moved, barely even blinked. Her deep brown eyes stay wide and unfocused on something in the middle space. _Let me in. Why won’t she let me in?_ Gwendolyn’s features draw into a frown. She flips a light switch, blinking as the glow hits her retina. Mildred grunts. “Sorry. I should have warned you.”

“S’alright.” She drawls, but she’s picking at the skin on her elbow again, and Gwen knows better than to believe her.

“You should shower.” Gwen exhales heavily, rubbing the back of her neck. Her dreams had been coming faster and more fervently for the last week or so, and it was starting to wear on both their bodies. There was a pattern to them which usually she was better at catching. Tonight, though, her Gwendolyn had passed out before her head even hit the pillow, and she was awoken by her shrieks. “I can make you some tea?”

“No.” Mildred hisses. “No. No tea. I’m fine.”

“Alright, well that’s _not_ true.” It’s meant to be humor, but it’s too flippant, too knowing. Mildred sets her jaw. She rips the sheets off of herself and pushes past Gwendolyn. “Mildred? Where are you - _Mildred!”_

The storm outside whips around her, tugging against her limbs, slapping her cheeks, blearing her vision. Mildred pays it no mind as she sprints down the cobblestone steps of their porch and onto the beach. Sand cakes to her feet like mud, and she trips against the suction, landing on her hands and knees with a thud. _Nothing. You’re nothing!_ Ondine’s voice echoes in her ear canals. A pair of hands pull around her shoulders, and they’re Edmond’s; she’s _sure_ they’re his.

“Get off of me!” She shrieks, twisting away.

“Mildred, would you get inside? You’ll catch your death out here!” Gwendolyn pulls away from her like she’s burned her. She kneels next to her, hovering like she’s afraid she’ll dissolve. Thunder blasts like cannon fire, waves crash in dissonance with one another. _We’re going to get pulled in if I don’t get her up_. Gwendolyn takes her by the shoulder, pulling Mildred’s full weight against her and forcing her to bound a few paces away from the dangerously close shoreline.

"I didn’t mean it.” Mildred rambles, halting Gwendolyn when she puts her palms to her cheeks. She stares at her, studies her like she’s transmitting radio signals. “I didn’t mean the things I said.

The redhead barely hears her against the wind barreling across her ear canals. “Didn’t ... _what_?” She huffs as she starts up towards the house again. “Please, let’s just get inside; we can talk about it - _mph!_ ”

Mildred catches her by the wrist and pulls her back, her lips landing squarely on Gwen’s. Mildred kisses her; kisses her like it’s her only source of oxygen, like she might float away otherwise, like it can mend the shattered pieces of her soul. “I didn’t mean it!” She says again, wrapping her arms around Gwendolyn. The older woman holds her in a daze, stroking her hair and blinking away rivulets of rain. “I promise, I didn’t mean what I said!”

“Mildred, _what are you talking about?”_ Gwendolyn takes her by the shoulders and has half a mind to shake her. She would have, were it not for the panic she could see drawing her feature’s back, were it not for the way her umber eyes met her’s without blinking.

“I’m gay!” She screams, and it’s like mother earth is listening. The wind settles into a low whirring, rain pattering as the moon starts to show behind storm clouds. “I’m gay.” Mildred’s voice trembles, and Gwendolyn realizes she’s never said it out loud before.

“Oh, Mildred.” She presses her fingers to the other woman’s lips. Mildred’s chin trembles, and Gwen pulls her back into her arms like she hopes she can suffocate her tears away. “I know, my love.”

It’s stopped raining by the time Gwendolyn has ushered her back up the porch steps and through the sliding door. The first hints of dawn peak across the skyline, pulling in hues of pale blue and grey. _No sunrise today_. Gwendolyn sighs, placing Mildred on their shared bed as she bustles around in search of clean towels.

“You need to get out of these clothes.” She mutters as she drags through a chest of newly folded laundry.

“G-Gwendolyn?”

“You’re going to get sick if we don’t get you out of them.”

“Gwen.”

“ _What_?” Mildred shrinks into herself before she can recant, and she stills, dragging the palms of her hands across her face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.” A smile tugs at her lips, but it settles with so much dishonesty, Gwendolyn has to avert her gaze.

“I suppose we’ve both said things we didn’t mean tonight?” Mildred tests, pushing off the bed and kneeling in front of her. It elicits a giggle, and she revels in the sound; like wind chimes.

“Yes, I suppose we did.”

Gwendolyn kisses her firmly, guiding Mildred’s shoulder blades against the chest and all but sitting on top of her. Mildred’s flesh burns for her touch, aches for the safety that Gwendolyn’s closeness affords her.

Gwendolyn hesitates when she hears the battered nurse inhale sharply. _Is this okay?_ But before she can voice the concern, Mildred pulls her down by the front of her soaked nightgown and intensifies the kiss. “Don’t leave me.” She breaths against her lips, fingers grasping at the dip of her hips.   
  
Gwendolyn hums at the sensation, pressing a thumb to the hallow of Mildred’s neck. _Never. I promise._


End file.
